|"The Thinker" by Auguste Rodin|
Coming off the holidays can always be a bit melancholy but this year it hit me kinda hard. My personal demons that I sometimes wrestle with reared their ugly heads. It's been a tough last couple weeks. It takes a lot to recognize that I need to work on these demons and that's what I will do.
I've not been very happy with myself lately and I would not look up to that person that I've been. The specifics are not necessary but I will tell you that I received a jump start in the last couple days which has allowed me to take a good hard look at what I am doing and where I am going. Believe me, it was an extremely difficult hard thing to do. But ultimately, it's a good thing.
I just don't want to "be" ... to exist. I want to grow emotional, physically, and mentally. I want to be someone that I would look up to. I feel like I sometimes let myself down. So how to get back to that place? I need to re-evaluate my path, my destination, my end game. What do I want out of life?
Your path involves what you do on a day to day basis. How do you interact with others? Are you friendly? Are you giving off negative vibes? What is troubling you deep inside? Negative energy affects those around you. It's ugly. Sometimes though, you don't realize that what is troubling you deep down inside you is affecting your day to day decisions OR it rears up it's ugly head when you least expect it to. That's what happened to me.
I need to delve into my inner depths and finally deal with certain things in my life. It's some stuff that I have control over and other stuff which I have absolutely NO control over whatsoever. I feel like it drives me crazy. And it just sucks. One of the those things to this day is that lack of control I had over my mother's death. It just kills me emotionally. I am so angry still. It's time to deal with that because it's not going away. It manifests itself in many ways which I would never expect. An angry individual is an ugly individual. I don't like how I look when I get that way.
I want to be someone I would look up to. That means striving to deal with issues in my life in a pragmatic rational manner and not immediately reacting emotionally. Realizing as well what I can control and what I can't. It's not as easy as it looks.
I want to be seen as dependable, trustworthy and respected personally and professionally. My twenties, although fun, were a mess. I was constantly out until all hours of the night. I was all over the place emotionally and physically. If I had met me then I wouldn't have given the me a second of my time. For a lot of the time, looking back, I was an asshole. I NEVER want to go back to that Marc.
It also means being someone who is there for others whether needed or not. And if I am needed, doing what is necessary without looking for thanks. I pride myself in being one who will stop at an accident if needed. Hold the door for someone. Help someone carry something in. I do this now and will continue to do it.
So onward and upward. I am a continued work in progress that sometimes slips and falls. I get back up and charge forward. It's a challenge of course. Dealing with life's obstacles always is. But until I deal with these issues, they will always be hanging over my head, threatening to wreak havoc on my life. I've worked so hard for what I've accomplished in various aspects of my life. I cannot let "out of control emotions" ruin my accomplishments.