Me, Sher, and Ad

Me, Sher, and Ad
Bro Adam and sis Sher, my rocks!

Friday, March 4, 2011

The Fun Signs of Getting Older

The last couple of weeks have been stressful to say the least. John's parents have been living with us. His father, Joe, is 92, fresh off of surgery and rehab. His mother, Anne, is 89 and wants to do everything for us. I think I am going to start walker races and begin placing bets with the neighbors. Just kidding of course, it's quite obvious Anne would win every race. They are dears and I wouldn't want them anywhere else but it has been an adjustment for all four of us.

I had originally started the following blog in January. I wanted to write about the annoying changes that we all are experiencing while growing older. Well ... having an 89 and a 92 year old living with you really puts things in perspective. When you see someone just having trouble getting out of bed, a couple gray hairs or creaking joints don't seem all that serious. It has actually inspired me to go to the gym again on a steady basis so that I can finish out my 40th year in better shape than when I started it.

Nevertheless, I do want to document (still with mild annoyance, after all I am only human) the changes which I have noticed happening in the last couple years. Don't scold me for listing these as I will ignore you anyway. For the record, I know I can live with them and I do realize how lucky in life I am. It's actually interesting (in a perverse way) to see the physical changes occur. I figure if I approach them head on, rather than living in denial, it won't be so bad. Getting older is a fact of life. I do enjoy getting older in terms of the confidence and wisdom associated with it. I could do without the cracking knees, sagging body parts, or high blood pressure.

Sometimes when I wake up or get home after a long day at work, I discover that I have a one inch hair coming off of my ear lobe. I mean when did this thing grow? It seems like it pushed its way out within a space of a couple hours. I swear it wasn’t there that morning.

My body creaks in the morning. My joints ache. My knees constantly crack bending down to tie my shoes. I have intermittent lower back pain, a pinched nerve which likes to flair up when I am stressed out, and my wrists are beginning to ache from what I think (or am self diagnosing) is carpal tunnel syndrome. YAY!

I am prone to sneezing fits. I hack up phlegm and I don't smoke or have a cold.

I have started waging a war against sagging body parts. No, I will not go into detail which parts are sagging. Use your imagination.

My gums were in pain the other year and I couldn't understand why. I brush and floss and go to the dentist for all my yearly check ups. I was told that I had periodontal disease. "Luckily," my dentist said, "we have caught it in time, it's hereditary from your parents, and you've only lost 25% of you teeth enamel below the gum line."  Excuse me Doctor, WHAT DID YOU SAY?  (Luckily I passed out from the pain from the "planing" procedure to remedy the situation.)

I have high blood pressure which forever needs to be controlled with a little pill each morning. Thanks Mom! What another fun trait passed down from parents to son!

Adult acne … what the hell is up with this? Didn’t I suffer enough when I was 16? And benzoyl peroxide doesn’t do crap on these adult zits. It just makes my already drying skin peel that much faster. I will get some random zit that erupts like Mount Aetna within the space of a day. 

Dry skin patches. My hands look like crepe paper. What did Mom say? Moisturize!

I have sun spots and minor scarring from years in the sun using baby oil. And oh yes, I also have freckles. The shoulder-to-shoulder sunburn blister from my senior trip to Florida in '88 has finally showed up as a patch-work of freckles.  Lovely.

I have gray hairs sprouting up like crab grass. I don't mind them so much anymore. On men, they even look distinguished. But you get that long crazy one, that again, seems to grow overnight! It is wirey and gray and might as well have a spotlight on it because it is glaringly obvious for the world to see. They are all over: my head, my beard, my chest, ... ahem ... down there! I have stopped plucking them because at this point I am convinced they come back double.

My hairline is beginning to recede. I keep trying to convince myself that it was like that in high school, but I just never noticed it.

I think I wake up alot more at night, even when I go to bed relaxed. I seem to have become a lighter sleeper. And don't forget those 3 in the morning bathroom breaks!

On the same note, I still can't believe I used to go out at 11 PM. Now I am in bed by 11 PM, barely able to stay awake for Letterman.

The sex drive. When I go on vacation, sometimes it stays home.

Indigestion from the wierdest and simplest foods.  Applesauce?  Are you serious? I have bloating and gas from applesauce!

My eye sight is worse. I am becoming farsighted and nearsighted. My eyedoctor gleefully told me to expect bi-focals in a couple years.  Thanks Doctor "Bite Me"!

After years of wearing braces to fix my lower bite, my lower teeth have decided to begin migrating in a sort of fucked up fashion. So much for those $2000 braces. Thankfully, the toppers have stayed right where they are (fingers crossed).

My endurance had started waning. But luckily the gym is starting to reverse that. I now just have random embarassing wheezing attacks which make the young lady next to me on the elliptical machine give me a pathetic look like "Should you really be on that machine?"

I started getting winded going up to the bar for a second round.  Just kidding, not that bad. But don't ask me to run any marathons.

I don't bounce back like I used to. I used to be able to stay up late and go to work the next day. Now for an extended happy hour, I need several days recovery.

Varicose and spider veins.  Ok ... yuck! Thanks again Mom and Dad for that hereditary streak!

The impending midlife crisis. Not sure if it is happening or not. Since I am not breaking out in cold sweats or running out to buy a sports car, I think I am good so far.

And lastly, thankfully I don’t suffer from menopause, but I am sure some random sexual disfunction is only down the road!

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