Frazzled Marc, half way through my 40s!

Frazzled Marc, half way through my 40s!
Frazzled Marc, half way through my 40s!

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

The Ta-ta's in the Trunk

Embarrassment. It’s a word that hides around the corner. When the opportunity presents itself, it willingly and eagerly jumps out of hiding to throw that curve ball into your day. Spinach in your teeth at a business meeting? Embarrassment is one of those people in the crowd laughing at you. Caught with your proverbial pants down? Embarrassment is probably the one that pulled them down.

With that being said, my good friend Renee knows that I have a small antique business on the side, nothing major, pretty small change … my fun money. I am frequently at yard sales, flea markets, and thrift stores, hunting for treasures to buy and sell. Renee lives on the lake and has a tiki hut lakeside with a life-size replica of the Blues Brothers holding court for all those to see when they sail by. So when Renee asked me for a mannequin as a lifeguard, I thought nothing of it.

Well John’s mom, I remembered, had a vintage dress mannequin and he offered that up for Renee. As a joke one evening, we dropped it on her door step and ran. It startled her mom Dottie when she was leaving, thinking someone was hanging out around the front door. Renee questioned me about it and of course I denied it at first but then with a big laugh, fessed up.

The mannequin was worn and really unsuitable for braving the elements out at the tiki hut. It soon ended up back at my house and thanks to Renee, it was wearing a pink Philly Eagles hat, sunglasses, a Hawaiian lei, and a pink shirt with enormous fake ta-ta’s underneath. These ta-ta’s would make even the most risquΓ© person blush, being nipplely and anatomically correct. Renee wore them last Halloween as J-WOW from the shameless MTV show the “Jersey Shore.”

Renee and her hubby tried to drop if off back at my place without notice but unfortunately, Renee is not the most stealthy type and was caught red … or rather pink handed. Gotta love her but James Bond would have fired this woman if she ever tried to be a spy.

John and I kept Ms. Pink Ta-ta’s sitting on our porch swing for a couple days and then moved her inside. I had planned to mail it all back to Renee but the mailing costs for a mannequin with huge ta-ta’s was cost prohibitive. Ta-ta’s take up a lot of box space, although they are excellent for cushioning your breakables.

The mannequin ended up being donated to a local thrift store and I dumped the ta-ta’s in the trunk of my car with all the other pink lady gear until I could get them back to Renee. One week went by. Two weeks went by. You get the picture. I was driving around with a pair of exposed ta-ta’s in my trunk. I came to forget about them and would push them aside whenever I needed trunk space.

A week or two later, I had stopped by our local liquor store to purchase some items for the private lodge where I manage the bar. It was a routine pickup for me, buying two cases of liquor and wine. I walked in and the clerk from the liquor shore said hi. She’s always so nice, I thought, going about my business.

That day, she offered to help carry out one of the two liquor boxes. I stated that although I appreciated it, it wouldn’t be necessary as they were not that heavy. Well we went back and forth for about a minute and I finally gave in to her help. I justified in my mind that she would feel better helping me.

The clerk took the lighter of the two boxes and followed me out to the car. Once we reached the car, I balanced one of the boxes with one arm and fumbled for my auto trunk opener on my key chain. After about 30 seconds, I finally clicked the opener with a sigh of relief and the trunk ever so slowly opened up. It seemed like forever. She went to place her box in the trunk and jumped back, “WHAT THE HECK?!?”

Staring back at her were two bright red nipples standing front and center on the fake ta-ta’s.

“Oh my god!” I exclaimed, “I am so sorry, they are my friend’s! She wore them for Halloween!” (Sorry to throw you under the ta-ta bus, Renee!)

“I don’t want to know!!!” She retorted dropping the box into the trunk on top of the ta-ta’s.

“No! Seriously, they are my friend’s! They aren’t mine!” I repeated red faced from embarrassment.

She ran inside the liquor store while repeating “I don’t wanna know, I don’t wanna know, I don’t wanna know!”

“But I don’t even own a pair of fake ta-ta’s!!!” I yelled after her but it was to no avail. Some old couple stood across the parking lot staring at me. I gave a nervous smile and got the hell out of there.

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