Me, Sher, and Ad

Me, Sher, and Ad
Bro Adam and sis Sher, my rocks!

Saturday, May 24, 2014

A Suicide Note from Angie

Not all in life is sweet, happy, and nice. As we get older, most of us realize this. The trade off is that we gain wisdom from those parts of life which aren't so rosy.

The other evening, John and I discovered a suicide note in an old book which he bought for me at a large church yard sale in Berks County, PA.  I hadn't looked at the book yet and had put it aside to look through at a later date.  I was putting clothes away when he picked it up off of the table.

"Oh here is the book I bought you," he stated.
"Yeah, I just haven't gotten around to looking at it," I replied.
"Did you know there is a letter in it?"
"Um no," I responded absentmindedly hanging up clothes.

John began reading the note. At first, I thought he was making the contents up. I quickly realized we had stumbled on something grave.  Shivers went up and down my spine.

The note was discovered in the beginning of a book he bought titled I Have Fought a Good Fight:  The Story of Jewish Mission Pioneering in America by Joseph Hoffman Cohn, dated 1953.  On the front of the note was handwritten "To Whom It May Concern."

I don't know why but I just feel compelled that I had to share this woman's haunting note, her pain, and her remorse.

March 14,

To Whom It May Concern,
First of all I've got to make an apology to 3 of the nicest people anyone could ever know, the Bolt brothers. I owe them such a great apology more than can be written on a sheet of paper, but I can't do any better than a sheet of paper. It was me who started the whole thing, it was all my fault. I've tried to think of a way out but I've been unsuccessful. But one night I thought of something, if I didn't exist anymore well there'd be no one to take away. Everyone, except Jebodiah, would be satisfied & happy. What I'm going to do may be sometimes called suicide, but that word seems like the person committing it wants to die, I don't want to die, I have to die. The way I'm doing it will all turn out to seem like an accident. I hope you'll accept my apology. I'm truly sorry.

Love, Angie

No year was given. The paper is old notebook paper, yellowed and stained by years in that book. John and I estimated that it must be at least 20-30 years old.

So many questions:  What did she do? What was she referring to? Was she forgiven? Did she take her own life?   Is the title from the book, I Have Fought a Good Fight, a symbolic message or just an ironic twist?  Was the note left in this book specifically for someone to find? Was the note ever found? Or did someone specifically save the note in the this book?

So many unanswered questions on this one.

Suicide is never an answer. It pains me to think that this woman did not get the help that she needed or she felt she had no other option other than ending her own life.  I truly hope she found the peace she was looking for.


  1. Thank you for sharing this Mark. Yes, after reading her note, it sure does leave a lot of unanswered questions. Well I am left with hoping that she found her peace whatever she ended up doing to resolve her problems. You are right, life is never bad enough where death would be the answer. Talk to someone and get help, the truth will always set you free!!!! Rachel Parker

  2. Perhaps she did not end her life but instead kept the letter in this book to remind herself off past mistakes. That is my hope. Thank you for sharing and we can only hope she found her peace.